Manflu- a terrible affliction.

This is not cool. For almost a week now I've had a blocked nose, am not sleeping properly. I am keeping beechams and kleenex in business going by the amount of stuff I'm buying. Its got to be Manflu. I'm moaning as much as a man would.

A strange uneasiness

I don't know what has happened, what part of my mind or body is playing tricks on me but I feel really out of sorts at the moment. I'm drowning and struggling to keep my head afloat with the house, and spending time with the boys. On Sunday I have neither of them and spent all day doing nothing. I literally folded some washing. That was it, how fecking lazy am I? What is wrong with me? I've lost my mojo. I'm dreading going to college tomorrow as I'm really not feeling Psychology at all and am dreading Biology as I think I did really bad. I NEED merits and distinctions to get onto the midwifery degree programme. Even the writing of my personal statement is trying right now.

Remember, remember the fifth of november....

And the boy has been sent home with work he's not completed in class. And his report was a bit pants failing miserably in literacy yet he can read! Go figure! We have my godaughters birthday party to go to today and then I'm taking the boys to a fireworks display at Kent Life this afternoon. It will be the first time I've taken the boys together on my own and I have to say I'm really looking forward to it, gonna get us all dressed up warm with hats, scarves and gloves. They have a funfair and the softplay is open until 9pm.

Do you like lists?

I love making little lists for myself, they're mainly around household chores that need doing. I will also add something to list that wasn't on there that I have done just so I can tick it off. Anyone else?

Whats on your list today? My list is this:
1. Sort out the floordrobe
2. Go through Roberts clothes and get them on facebay/ebay/charity shop bag.
3. Put away my mountain range of clothing currently cluttering one of my sofas
4. Get dressed...yep at 13:05GMT we are still in our pj's.
5. Go to a halloween party in Ashford.

I'm seriously struggling with the work/college/mum/life balance at the moment and you can see this when you look at my home. Things are NOT good. I can only call it a temporary blip for so long can't I?

Know when I'm not wanted.

Just a quick ranty pants on here. I was going to go out with the young uns from work Thursday night and then thought I couldn't cos I'm skintos and then discovered actually I had some money so messaged one of the guys going out to find out where they were meeting. They said that they weren't going cos they had no money. Today, all over a certain social networking site there are pictures of all of em out having a good time. Ah well, I shall go back to being all serious and won't try and fit in thinking I'm still in my teens and early twenties when in fact I'm almost thirty.

I'm too serious

According to the young 19 year old I work with I am too serious!!! The fact I've been there for just over three weeks is another matter all together so I'm bound to be serious until I settle in a little and feel more comfortable. But then maybe it's because I'm that little bit older and have that little bit more respect for my superiors that I wouldn't tell em to go forth and multiply. Hey ho, they make me laugh and I know it's only a bit of banter but felt it important enough to share with all four of my followers. How sad am I?

Not such the perfect father after all...

I'm in a bit of a predicament, my ex known as twat again for now is being a bit of a erm well twat.

I asked if he would be happy to have Robert for me if I booked up to go away for my birthday next year. He agreed and said yes of course. I asked Sean the same thing and he said, yep, just let me know the dates and I will book it off work and take Joshua away for a week. So fast forward to the weekend just gone and he's pressuring me to meet the wife and then throws me the 'well when you're away next year she will be looking after him as I've got to work' card at me. I mean WTF? I would have thought any NORMAL man would actually want to spend time with his son but no he's pawning him off on the wife for the week. Fucks sake. Pisses me right off.....not only that but the last three weekends he's been down there and I've given him his swimming stuff he's not taken him. It's like he wants to put on the facade of being this perfect father when in fact he's really not. The novelty of being 'dad' has worn off. He wanted to go down to every other weekend having him from Friday to Sunday which at the moment I'm not prepared to do neither is it fair on Robert to go from seeing him every week to every other.

The blokes a fucking cock, end of.

And in other news.....

I PASSED MY BIOLOGY EXAM WITH A DISTINCTION!!!!

I'm a surrogate Auntie!!

My wonderful friend Stacey gave birth to a baby girl last night at 10:28pm weighing in at 6lb 7oz and she's utterly perfect, an absolute doll. She's called Lilly Rose. I'm desperate to get over there and get some newborn snuggles from her and give my friend the biggest cuddle ever. She was amazing and I was so gutted I couldn't be there with her as a birthing partner. I would have ROCKED!

A piccie of my surrogate niece...

Busy, busy, busy

This week has been frankly manic! It's my second (or third) week at work now of which I'm getting irrationally pissed off because they don't do the rota in time for the following week. I worked yesterday afternoon with not a clue about my rota next week. And unless I go in or call up when they're busy I won't know. I've paid for childcare now for the boys for next week so will be mega pissed off if I don't get enough hours to cover it.

I did my biology exam on Wednesday night. That was interesting, the last two questions none of us in class had been taught it so we were all a bit confused and not many of us answered the questions. I did have a guess so who knows. Again it's marked pass, merit, distinction. I'm just awaiting the email to confirm what I've got.

I also started my voluntary work at hospital this week, I was absolutely astounded at how damn hard the staff work and they were so thankful of the fact I was there giving up my time going around and talking to the patients. I have to say some of the patients were just lovely and one person I sat down and spoke with for about twenty minutes.

So it's not much on paper but I have been a little bit busy...I'm out in town tonight for the first time in about six or seven months which I'm really looking forward to. I've got some lush shoes to wear with them too http://www.newlook.com/shop/womens/wide-fit-shoes-and-boots/contrast-platform-shoe-boot_233358801

Love em!

Thank you Mr HMRC

It would appear I am owed money from the tax man. I received a cheque in the post for just over £500 which means I can (once the cheque has cleared) finally book my holiday. Can't wait!

I'm officially employed now too. I have come off income support. Joshua will be having packed lunch every day now and gone are my milk tokens for Robert. On the plus side I get a £250 grant plus a top up of £40 on top of my wages every week for the next year.

All in all a very good day....

It's been a while

I've been manic lately and have got so bogged down with college work, uni open days and FINALLY starting work that I've neglected my blog.

I got my first college assignment back for Biology last week and was incredibly proud of myself for getting a merit. One of my fellow peers also thought I should be at medical school as I seem to just get it. Hmmm midwifery yes, doctor no. Just doesn't interest me at all. Although I was flattered that she would think that and actually tell me. It's funny because everyone looked at me and asked what I had got expecting, I guess, a distinction grade. No such luck. I am however on the right path as at the Uni open day on Saturday they are expecting merit grades to get onto the course as they have found that those with just passes really struggle and end up leaving.

I'm so incredibly excited about applying for University, I can't even begin to tell you. Just need to start writing my personal statement now....

Off to bed, peace out all xx

Pass, Merit, Distinction

All the grades you can get at level 3 at college this year. They're all marked based on how much you know about the subject matter and how you put it down on paper.

So my first biology essay I got back last night and I have to say I'm incredibly pleased I got a merit. I bloody wish I had put some more work into it though as I could have probably got a distinction. Lesson learned though.

I have a research project on genetic disease of my choice to do as my next assignment so will put my all in that and hopefully come out with a distinction.

Class Geek

I am really enjoying being back in education, it's a good challenge and I appear to just get it. I'm also one of these people that always surrenders answers when a question is asked. But I always seem to be one of the only ones to surrender answers. I guess I have no fear of getting it wrong and I love learning. You learn by your mistakes. I just really hate the feeling of coming across as the class geek when really I'm not at all. I find it easier to do work at college than at home. I get distracted way too easily either on facebook, twitter, internet forums or here on my blog. I always leave things to the last minute.

Yesterdays biology assignment is a perfect example of that. I literally left it til yesterday afternoon to finish the essay and I still didn't have the time to revise organelles. There would have been no chance I would have finished had it not been for the amazing help of a very good friend of mine that had my youngest in the afternoon. Thank goodness for friends eh.

I'm hungry tonight

I hate it when I get in from college and by the time I decide I'm hungry it's actually too late to eat. I found the refectory and picked up some beef flavoured hula hoops..nom nom. My meals today have been incredibly bad.

B: Bowl of frosties approx 300cals
L: 1/4 of a pizza, bag of baked crisps 140cals, 120cals
D: Nothing
Snacks: Beef flavoured hula hoops. 140cals

No wonder I'm starving hungry having had just 700 cals all day!! Probably a bit more than that actually when I factor in drinks, milk etc. I must go shopping tomorrow and get some decent food in. This is NOT the way to getting my beach body by starving myself. Paul Mackenna says I can eat what I want. I just need to listen to my body when it says it's full.

I am pleased to report however I lost around 4lbs in just over a week.

Cor Blimey that was quick!

I received the results for my smear this morning. All normal. I'm so relieved and amazed at how quick they came through too. I had the smear less than a week ago and already its back. Amazing.

Off to Bedfordshire-some thoughts before I go.

Not really much to report from here tonight. J is at his dads for the evening as his dad is off work and taking him to school tomorrow and picking him up so no school run tomorrow..WOOHOO!! I'm so proud of him at the moment. We're doing his high frequency words at the moment which are basically words that appear frequently in books he's reading. I'm doing them with him every night and the progress he's making in his reading ability is amazing. I really want him to be happy and do well at school. But neither will happen if he doesn't enjoy and can't do the work. He's got a good head for numbers so I'm not so bothered about that but his reading I am. I remember watching a tv program before he started school about how boys always lag behind at school and some choir teacher went in and taught them all differently using more active outside stimulus to avoid boredom that boys so easily get. I just don't want J to be one of those boys. It scares me. Lots.

I've been trying to do college work tonight and have acheived a fairly substantial amount of the essay. I'm just concerned I won't get it done in time. However I have Wednesday morning to do it whilst R is at the childminders just need to be focused and get it done. I just study better at night time. I'm a night owl. Nevermind, I will need to get into to it properly as come University time I won't know my arse from my elbow unless I get organised and not like this:

Talking of Uni, I've been considering the long term future of our furry friend Emily. I just don't think I'm going to have the time for her when I start. She barely gets walked enough as it is. She doesn't get the stimulation she needs and although we do have a big enough garden for her, it's not fair on her to expect to be shut up indoors whilst I'm doing uni, placements and looking after the boys. I feel so so mean as we've just got a cat and I don't want her to think she's been replaced. I've been thinking about her long before the cat came on the scene. In fact since I knew I was going to be going to Uni. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. She's a lovely dog, really great with the boys and I may not even get in next year so just going to see how it goes.

Joshua decided on the name for our cat - Betty. What do you think?

Eyes bigger than my belly

I really fancied chilli in a wrap tonight for dinner. Instead I did a burritos type meal. Of which you can see I left loads of it. I'm starting to learn to listen to my body/brain/stomach when it tells me I'm full. I've hardly eaten a thing today so thought I would be starving but less than halfway through I just stopped as I didn't want anymore. That's some achievement on my part as I would usually clear the plate as my mum had always told me too. Not anymore. My eyes clearly were bigger than my belly and I'm proud I've got leftovers.

Diet FAIL

I swore I wouldn't weigh myself throughout this journey but they were calling me this morning so I jumped expecting to see the same as is always there...FAT! However I was pleasently surprised to find I had lost 2lbs.

Why did I then at lunchtime go and buy myself a McDonalds to celebrate. The urge of the golden arches was calling me as I entered the car park. My mouth was watering in anticipation of getting my lips around a scrummy burger of my choice. The positive of it is that I chose wisely, I chose the foods that were the lower in calorific deliciousness and I enjoyed it. Every. Last. Bite.

I can hear woohoo!!

I had my ears irrigated yesterday afternoon. A most bizarre experience having water and air alternately burst into your ear and holding a pot underneath catching all the muck and wax spilling out of your ears. It's honestly barf worthy writing it down and if I think about it too much it makes me quite nauseous remembering looking into the pot and seeing two bits of earwax stuck the side which size wise were on par with marbles. I was disgusted and amazed something SO big was in there and worse still that it had come out of my ear.

Anyway once she had cleared the main blockage out of my left ear, suddenly I could hear in 3d surround sound again. Honestly THE most invigorating amazing thing EVER!

You don't realise how deaf you are until you have your ears irrigated. Everyone should do it once in their lifetime.

I hate the school run

I honestly can not abide the school run. Making petty conversations with the parents, over hearing some bragging about how amazing their child is, feeling completely out of place because they're all so cliquey and you don't quite fit in with them either socially or fashionably. In just over a year of doing them I can only say I have a very small handful of 'school mum friends'. The rest of them are just polite but I don't think they would ever go out of their way to help. When your child is, how shall I put it, easily influenced by the behaviour of others, I don't think parents want to socialise with the parent of the 'naughty child' in class.

And then you have the jobsworth traffic wardens that don't appear until the moment when your child's class come out of school and you're parked on single yellow lines so you end up running down the road, finding a parking space in the permit parking areas and racing back to the school,the other parents giving you looks of disappointment as you briskly walk past them huffing, puffing and red in the face to find your child distraught and upset that you left them.

That is why I hate the school run.

Thank god it's Friday

I've been waiting for this day all week having had a fairly shite week and to be quite honest I feel worse than better. The ringing in my ears is still there and I still can't hear anything. I actually want to cry I'm so fed up. God knows how my friend Stacey has coped with her hyperemesis for the last eight months. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have an appointment at 4pm to have them syringed. I can't tell you how happy I am to have them done before the weekend and for normality to return. I would say the only advantage to the bad ear is that if I lay on the other one I can't hear the noises outside and sleep more soundly.

Down in the dumps

I'm not one usually to moan about how bad I feel, actually scrap that. Anyone that knows me knows I moan a LOT about how bad my life is when in reality it isn't all that terrible.

For some reason today I just can't pick myself up, I think it's a mixture of waiting for my test results for my smear, the daunting task that is college and the fact it's so god damn cold outside again already!! The boys and I have already had colds and I can hear 50% of fuck all out of my left ear except buzzing/ringing. I have ear drops that have done nothing except loosen a bit of wax and it's looking likely that I will need them syringed. I just want to snuggle down under a duvet and hibernate until Spring.

Oh my days, my head

Second week of college this week and to say it's rather full on is a big big understatement. After last night my head was spinning from the absolute onslaught of information given to us about the different approaches to psychology and tonight in Biology we were bombarded with slides, videos and paper about eukaryotic and prokaryotic cells. What the fuck I hear you say? Trust me you aren't alone. My head hurts, I'm exhausted, I need to man the fuck up and get stuck in. This year is a whole other ball game.

My necessary evil experience

As promised I thought I would explain my experience

It was over and done with in less than three minutes. The nurse checked I was comfortable first. How you can be comfortable about the prospect of having a plastic duck bill shaped device shoved up your jack and danny and opened and then what looks like a toilet brush inserted into the end of it and twizzled around your cervix I don't know but I guess she asks because she has to.

I'm not going to lie the procedure was uncomfortable and I've had some period type cramping and a bit of spotting since. The best thing I can recommend is to relax, take long deep breaths and try and not think about what is happening.

The nurse uses a small instrument called a speculum to gently open the vagina. A small brush is then used to sweep around the cervix to take a sample of cells, the head of the brush, where the cells are lodged, is broken off into a small container of preservative fluid, or rinsed directly into the preservative fluid and set off to the laboratory to be looked at under the microscope.

I would say the worse thing for me was laying there legs akimbo with the speculum inside of me whilst she was sorting out the brush when all I wanted to do was get up and get dressed.

All said and done, I got myself all worked up for nothing really. It wasn't that bad, and if you can handle the slight embarassment you'll be fine. It could save your life. What's a little bit of embarassment in front of a nurse against potentially cancer......??

What's a girl to do..

I thought I would pop into my local Tesco's to pick up so low fat foods and some chocolate and after my smear this morning I was feeling rather crampy which although totally normal made me feel like shit and I knew the only cure for it was chocolate. I stood in front of this display of my most favourite chocolate ever GALAXY! So creamy and yummy.

I walked straight (after taking a picture to share) past ignoring the fact it was on special offer and that they also had cookie crumble nom nom....I instead opted for some plain chocolate which although was nowhere near as delicious as Galaxy it quenched my chocolate craving.

That 'I don't want to check my account' feeling

You know the one, when you know you've really overspent and feeling incredibly guilty because you have bills and rent due. You log on to your internet banking, peeking behind your fingers at your account balance because you just KNOW it's going to be bad news.....to then discover that actually it's not that horrific. You aren't overdrawn! BONUS! And that actually, you can indeed pay the babysitter and get some shopping in. My life is soooo rock and roll!

I want to win a photoshoot for me and my boys

Seeing as I am always behind the camera I never have any pictures taken of me and the boys together, hopefully R will smile if we win. Please vote for our photo. It's picture number 13 which is considered lucky for some. The child is little R with his bottom lip sticking out.

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150322105944757.364356.180279369756&type=1

A necessary evil...

I have my dreaded three yearly necessary evil tomorrow at 1040. The single most unflattering thing you have done in a womans life aside from childbirth and possibly a hollywood. I feel sick though already at the prospect of it. Just thinking about it makes me want to heave which considering I've had two children is just bizarre.

Once its done it's done though for another three years, then you wait for your test results, cue more nausea when they hopefully say, all clear.

I would rather have the embarassment of laying on the bed knickerless with some nurse sticking a cotton bud around my cervix than not and discovering cervical cancer too late. Look at Jade Goody....too little too late. They say she left a legacy. But did she really? The uptake of smear tests is declining again and I just don't understand why people do not just book up and do it. I will tomorrow go through step by step exactly what happens so that those that do not want to or are nervous about it will know exactly what they're expecting.

It's no biggie, it's a necessary evil, but it could save your life.

Making the right choices

I'm into my second week at college this week. I recived my textbook for psychology. It weighs around the same as my two year old and I would say the same thickness as war and peace. I traisped it all the way into college today, my arms actually aching as I lobbed it down on the table once in class. Going by the amount of information we were bombarded with today I have to say that I can now see the necessity of needing a book so large and cumbersome. Fortunately for me, I have been informed I don't actually need it for college but for home research purposes so no more achey arms.

Anyway you're probably all wondering what the heck this has to do with making the right choices....we were talking about the arguements many psychologists have and what freewill vs. determinism meant. How we as human beings have the freewill to make our choices how we see fit versus the predetermination that everything is our life is set out in a certain way and 'everything happens for a reason' For example the predetermination that a person is fat or thin, is it in the genes? Or is it the persons freewill or choice that they stuff themselves with creamcakes and chocolate and wonder why they're overweight. Are people naturally skinny or are they just mindful of the choices they make when eating.

These all rang true for me this evening when I thought about the food I ate today.

Breakfast: 2 weetabix with semi skimmed milk
Lunch: Ham salad sandwich on wholemeal with low fat spread and no mayo (brought in Greggs)
Snack: A small pancake with the kids and a thin spread of nutella
Dinner: Lentil soup and a small bread roll
Snack: 2 slices of soreen

I would usually have three weetabix for breakfast because I am a pig and like to feel full up until lunchtime, but its not about feeling full up, more satisfied that you've eaten enough. I went into Greggs for a sandwich at lunchtime and had a whole host of temptations waved under my nose and I resisted the little voices telling me to have a fresh cream apple danish or a chocolate eclair to go with my healthy sandwich and diet coke, however come afterschool time I was starving and knew I wouldn't last until dinner after college so gave in to temptation by having the last pancake with Stacey and the kids. I wouldn't have had one at all but there was some mix left over and it lasted just long enough to see me through college to have my low fat soup and soreen for tea.

So you see I could have done a hell of a lost worse with the choices I made but also I could have done better. We all have choices, just ensure you make the right ones.

To do list before I turn 30

1. If I get in...do the London Marathon

I've always been strangely fascinated with the marathon and wished that one day I could do it..well I applied in April this year to be entered into the ballot. It would be amazing to do it, although I can imagine it will near on kill me but it's for a good cause. I'm doing it for Camille. She kicked cancers arse and every child in her position deserves a chance to survive. For more information please take a look at www.camillesappeal.co.uk.

2. Lose weight

Now this should come naturally the more I train for aforementioned marathon. The only problem is I love shit food. Burgers, sweets, chocolate, chinese, pizza...the list is endless everything that puts lbs on your arse or stomach from just sniffing it. I've therefore decided to try (but not try too hard) to stop eating this shit food and making better more positive decisions about what I fill my face with. Why o why did I buy that limited edition mars bar earlier?

3. Complete my college course

I'm just about to enter my second week now, my books are arriving for psychology and biology this week and I have my first assignment to do that is due for submission in just over a week ARGH!!! I'm still completley clueless on harvard referencing and I'm not even sure if the structure of my essay is correct.

4. Get into University

This is my biggest BIGGEST thing on my to do list! If I get into University it would be just absolutely amazing. To fulfil my dream......as well as get into an absurd amount of debt, never see my children and do a stupid amount of hours but the end result will be my dream job.

5. Spend my 30th in Tenerife

Oh yeah, I'm doing it chavesque stylee holiday...or not...it's going to be a blissful childfree relaxing holiday. Even the hotel is a childfree zone. I can't wait, and even better I get to spend it with one of my bessies. Maybe we'll have a drink or two too......

The 30th Birthday Countdown

So let me introduce myself. I'm me, I'm 29. In ten months and two days I turn 30. This is going to be about the highs and lows of the lead up to the big three-oh.